I have a pretty competitive spirit. I like to have the last word in a debate. I know that I can’t always win, but I haven’t quite mastered losing very well. I tend to think my team if the best and can smack-talk with the best of them, when necessary. I don’t give up easily, especially if I think there’s a slight chance of still being able to win if I play my cards right.
Today, a friend of mine got really honest with me (I love that I can count on that from her) and as I sat there listening to her– I knew God was using her to ask me if I’d really given Him this one thing that I keep wrestling with… on essentially a daily basis. My quick response to her was, “I did that back in January.”
Those six words haunted me the rest of the day. If I had genuinely given it to God, I wouldn’t feel caught in this mental gymnastics routine. I may have said the words, “I can’t do this anymore, I give it to You” but if we’re honest—I may not be demonstrating that very well. Which is why, I’m convinced, it continues to be so hard; Satan’s not going to fight us for something he knows he can’t have.
So tonight, the Lord and I had it out. I know that some of you are wondering what on earth would possess me to think that it’s acceptable to do that. If I’ve learned nothing else in my 20 year relationship with the Lord, I’ve learned that it’s okay. I told Him how I just needed discernment and peace. He reminded me that peace only comes in situations that are surrendered to Him and that surrender means laying down your arms and that I hadn’t exactly done that yet. At the end of our “discussion”, if you will, I uttered the phrase that I can’t stand to say: I give up.
Pray that I stay true to that…
“Let me hear of Your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting You. Show me where You walk, for I give myself to You.” Psalm 143:8