Archive | September 2014

A Melting Pot

I sit and stare at a poster of Elsa, Anna, Olaf, and Kristoff.  I’ve seen the movie about 42½ times now with our little Ice Princess.  Tonight, the poster that hangs in her room brings clarity.  She prays “God, help us to always love you” and I pray for the wisdom to know how to show it.  And then I find my mind playing the movie.  I’m a sucker for some Olaf.  Can I get a witness?

olaf

Love.  That’s what it’s gonna take.  It’s gonna take love to thaw a frozen heart.  And really, I would like to think that “they” are the ones with frozen hearts.  And they are.  But if we’re honest, so am I.  My heart is hardened to the notion that they can change.  And maybe they can’t.

elsa thaws

But I’m not responsible for them.  I’m responsible for me.  And my God is love.  And He calls me to love.  It’s the only way the world will know that I’m a Jesus-follower—if I have and live love.  To everyone.  Whether they’re nice or not (I know.  I hate that part too.)  Because Jesus thinks we’re all a frozen heart worth mining.

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So… I need to buy into that too.  Heaven help us all, y’all but I’m asking to be thrown into the melting pot.  I figure once we’ve all jumped into that, then our Refiner can blend us into something beautiful.

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Y’all pray that I’ll stop kicking and screaming the whole way there.  ‘Cause if we’re honest (and we’re honest here) I’m at a place of feeling done loving tough people.  But Jesus isn’t done loving me and I can be really tough to love, so I have to learn to keep on loving this place—even when it’s tough.

love like jesus

And So We Wrestle

I log onto Facebook to scroll through the latest pictures of new babies, wedding plans, engagements and engagement pictures, updated last names, and kids in the backseat doing something cute.  Most of my feed is full of ECU demonstrating their excitement from their huge win this weekend over UNC and in true fan fashion, UNC fans posting their “wait until basketball season” comments.  I laugh at E-cards and hope that this brief escape will allow me to slip away from the wrestling that is my heart and apparently the heart of so many I love lately.  And then I come across this jewel:

where today

And I share it.  And a few of you liked it.  And I wrestle again.  I wonder what our family will do and where we’ll end up at the end of this seemingly endless match.  Though, to be honest, I already feel a little whole lot defeated.   It’s hard not to let it consume our every conversation lately.  Will they change?  Is our staying only making harder to move forward?  How long does “give it a chance” last?  Can we make it until then?

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“What is it I’ve always told you girls?  When you don’t know what do to next, just stick with the last thing you KNOW the Lord told you.  Pray about it, girlfriend.  It’ll work out.  This too shall pass.”

I can’t stand when she tells me that.  I’d much rather she just tell me what to do.  Doesn’t she know that’s why I was calling in the first place, to find out what she really thinks?  My mom knows better than to do that though.  She knows there is learning in the wrestling and would never rob us of the opportunity to learn it.  Instead, she listens to me wrestle with it and I hang up with more questions than what I called with and my heart is lighter but distracted by it still nonetheless.

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We lay across our bed each reading or playing Word Chums.  I’m about to turn my phone off when it buzzes with a new e-mail.  I read about the wrestlings going on across town and I’m drawn to read the end of it again.

“Then, I remembered yesterday’s Life Little Instruction Book calendar quote.  I have attached for you to see.

Is this a God thing?”

image

So, we’ll continue with the wrestling.  And I’ll be thankful that our God’s heart is good and that I can trust Him even when I don’t understand what He’s doing.   And I’m thankful that we aren’t alone in this wrestling; we have good friends that are willing to be in it with us.

If we should cross your mind, please pray for clarity and discernment for us and our friends.  And maybe a spoonful of boldness to move in whatever direction we’re supposed to, when we’re supposed to.  And thank you, because I know you will.  🙂

“Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel,[a] because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”  (Genesis 32:28b)

Seven Minutes Broke Me

Behind the wheel for seven minutes on three different occasions today is the only time I’m alone all day.  In some ways, I’m thankful for those twenty-one minutes and in other ways– I’m not.  I’ve been craving “me” time for days, yet I’m puled in a thousand different directions.  And some sick part of me thrives in the pull.  So, I breathe deep and run the plan through my head again for how to get it all done.

The first seven minutes is consumed with laying out the game plan for a full-day’s work.  Have I generated enough in our quiet season for my girls to train and maintain?  Have I responded to all of the exterior requests?  Am I meeting my own professional goals?  Do I have time to run all of the necessary errands at lunch and still visit with the people I’ve agreed to have lunch with today?  Did I make the right change during lunch to have lunch money for our kid?

The next seven minutes follows work as I drive to pick up the littlest lady in our family.  We have plans tonight so I need to sign her agenda at the stop-light.  I need her to get her homework folder out so we can make sure the right things go back to school.  She’s buying her lunch tomorrow so we need to put her $2 in there too.  It’s a two folder night, so don’t forget to ask for the yellow one too.  Be sure to explain to her the game plan for the twenty minutes we’ll have at home to pack the next day’s snack, take medicines, and lay out pajamas.  Change your own clothes. 

I’m mentally spent and emotionally confused and frankly, I’m tired of listening today.  I’ve sat across the table from people that I’m missed and laughed at stories shared.  I’ve coached the littlest one on how to breathe and just be, but on the inside I’m struggling to do the same.  I’ve heard things that I wish I could unhear and said things I’d like to take back.

It’s the third seven minutes that breaks me today.  I slide behind the wheel for the final few minutes alone and I breathe deep.  I know the tears will soon roll for feeling guilty about feeling spent and then feeling stupid for feeling spent when I’m just doing life.  But I’m not convinced that this is the life I’m cut out for.  I’m not cut out for surface conversations where no one’s really known and tasks that don’t generate Kingdom results.  So, I turn Casting Crowns on up and beg for Truth.

And, it’s delivered.  And I’m held in the midst of a wrestling that’s breaking me.  I’m just held and it’s by the One that created me.  He’s on the throne and none of this surprises Him.  So, I ask Him.  There’s more to this, right?!?

New!

“Mimi!  Look!  I have a Sophia the First book bag and lunch box and thermos.  I get to TAKE my lunch to Kindergarten.”

“You do?”

“Uh huh.  And Anna and Elsa folders.”

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I watch as she pulls out each new thing we’ve just bought for Kindergarten, excited and sharing what’s new.  She can hardly stand the excitement as she moves towards her new start.

 

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 “And this will be the girls bathroom and down this hall will be my room.”

 

She breathes deep and her eyes light up with each new thought and I know that look.  I had it not long ago myself when the husband and I walked through what would soon by our new home.  And while that decision did not come without our own version of pain, I know the healing that comes from moving into a new place for a new start.

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I slide behind the wheel and I thank God for moments of “new” and He takes that moment to remind me that He makes ALL things new.  And I’m humbled by all of the new that He’s giving us and pray that our excitement to tell of His great, life-giving, new creation kind of love will grow.  That we will be more excited to run and tell someone about that than we are about our new car, new shoes, new book bag…. new whatever.

May we never tire of telling our story of being a new creation in Christ…

 

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