Recently, I posted this. I felt like I had found a good place again with this place we call church and it was spilling over into other aspects of my life as well. I was all set to love on frozen hearts and set the focus to my own heart and kept praying that mine would soften to love on people even when it’s hard.
And then we lived this past week.
And all of those tears, that I’m tired of shedding, silently rolled down my cheeks as I ended my day feeling very much on the outside of the very circle that we claim to live in and amongst.
But this time has to be different. This time, I’ll remind myself that my worth isn’t grounded in what other people think and who’s hanging out with whom and whether I’m heard by this world or not.
This time’s different, yes. This time, I’m choosing to see God move in the midst of it and while I haven’t found Him yet—I know He’s using it. I can almost feel the very sharpening that I’ve prayed for.
So this time, I’ll choose to grin. The kind of grin you give your mom when she’s caught you and your sisters consuming a million cookies before dinner, and you offer her one knowing you aren’t really in trouble. I can’t be consumed by the chaos that my mind could become what-ifing it all. I’m too excited about what I know to be just around the corner.
And it’s going to be a beautiful thing, I’m sure. Getting there is sure to be painful; we don’t do easy here. But as I sit fleshing it out with my husband, I can tell he’s getting excited again. And, I’m stoked.
We’re dreaming again and dreaming bigger than before. We know that with these dreams come sacrifices. Sacrifices that most people will not truly understand. We’re okay with that. In fact, it doesn’t monopolize much space in the conversation. For the first time in a while, I sense that we’re coming into confidence in the Lord and His prompting and I’m amazed at how right on time it’s all coming together.
I’m sure that more tears will roll through all of it. So, if you think about us… pray that I’ll see them differently.
And just because Meredith Andrews is one of my favorites and her music seems to play in my car… or at my desk… right when I need her. Plus, she’s from Wilson and I just think that makes me like her even more.