Behind the wheel for seven minutes on three different occasions today is the only time I’m alone all day. In some ways, I’m thankful for those twenty-one minutes and in other ways– I’m not. I’ve been craving “me” time for days, yet I’m puled in a thousand different directions. And some sick part of me thrives in the pull. So, I breathe deep and run the plan through my head again for how to get it all done.
The first seven minutes is consumed with laying out the game plan for a full-day’s work. Have I generated enough in our quiet season for my girls to train and maintain? Have I responded to all of the exterior requests? Am I meeting my own professional goals? Do I have time to run all of the necessary errands at lunch and still visit with the people I’ve agreed to have lunch with today? Did I make the right change during lunch to have lunch money for our kid?
I’m mentally spent and emotionally confused and frankly, I’m tired of listening today. I’ve sat across the table from people that I’m missed and laughed at stories shared. I’ve coached the littlest one on how to breathe and just be, but on the inside I’m struggling to do the same. I’ve heard things that I wish I could unhear and said things I’d like to take back.
It’s the third seven minutes that breaks me today. I slide behind the wheel for the final few minutes alone and I breathe deep. I know the tears will soon roll for feeling guilty about feeling spent and then feeling stupid for feeling spent when I’m just doing life. But I’m not convinced that this is the life I’m cut out for. I’m not cut out for surface conversations where no one’s really known and tasks that don’t generate Kingdom results. So, I turn Casting Crowns on up and beg for Truth.